Husband And Wife Jokes

Best one line ad by a married man on OLX: "For Sale – Wedding Suit, used only once by Mistake……"

Man outside phone booth: "Excuse me you are holding phone since 29 minutes and you haven't spoken a word".
Man inside: "I am talking to my wife"

Wife joins english speaking class. After few days.
Wife : Welcome home darling.
Husband : I m so tired today.
Wife : Ok. Rest in Peace.

A woman sued a reputed Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in her.
A hospital spokesman replied: "He was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was just correct his eyesight."

Compromising does not mean you are wrong and your wife is right.
It only means that the safety of your head is much more important than your ego!

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.
The slide show begins.

Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.
Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling??
Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that??
Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero.

Judge : Why did you beat your husband's head with a chair?
Wife : Because the table was a bit too heavy for me to lift.

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."
"Oh, how terrible!
I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Shocking Introduction at a party...
One man to another: Meet my wife tanya ..
2nd one : ya, I know her.
1st one : how..?
2nd one : we were caught many a times sleeping together.
1st one : Wat??? Angrily.. What the hell u r talking..??
2nd one : during lectures in science & history classes. We were classmates.

A couple was having dinner at a fancy restaurant. As the food was served, Husband: "the food looks delicious, let's eat."
Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook.

A man gifted his wife a diamond necklace for their anniversary and wife didn't speak to him for 6 months.
Was the necklace FAKE?
Nooooo! That was the deal!!

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did you bring him home for?"
Husband answers "Because he's thinking of getting married"

A married man's prayer;
Dear God, u gave me childhood, u took it away
U gave me youth, u took it away.
U gave me a wife.......... Its been years now,
just reminding u......

A frustrated husband in front of his laptop:
dear google, please do not behave like my wife...
Please allow me to complete my sentence before you start guessing & suggesting

Wife : Shall I prepare Sambar or Rasam today .
Husband : First make it, we will name it later

When you are in love,
Wonders happen.
But once you get married,
You wonder, what happened.

Philosophy of marriage :
At the beginning,
every wife treats her husband as GOD..
Later, somehow don't know why..
alphabets get reversed.. DOG

Secret formula for married couples...
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle.!!!!

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I've not been in a long time."
So I took her to my parents house.
And then the fight started....

My wife is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to give me a compliment.'
I replied, 'Your eyesight's perfect.'
And then the fight started....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a petrol pump
And then the fight started....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a weighing scale.
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started....
Short & Sharp:
Wife: I hate you.
Husband: What a co-incidence..

Judge: Why did you shoot your Wife instead of shooting her lover?
Husband: Your Honour, it's easier to shoot a woman once, than shooting one man every week.

A husband takes photograph of his wife and then declares himself to be a "WILD-LIFE" PHOTOGRAPHER !!

How the Word..
"Wife" ..was invented?
They Took the First Two And Last Two Letters Of :- WildLife

A smart wife's note for the husband :
I am going out with my friends for dinner. Your dinner is in the recipe book, on page 25 and ingredients are available at reliance Fresh.

Newly married husband puts a notice in front of his residence:
Computer and Encyclopedia both in good condition.
Reason for selling: No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows EVERYTHING ...with backup server called
"Mother In Law "

Wife: "Darling Let's Enjoy our Saturday and Sunday"!
Husband: "Good Idea!, Let's meet on Monday....!"

BOSS hangs a Poster in his Office
He returns from lunch and finds a Note on his desk:
"Your Wife called, she was shouting & said she wants the Poster back at HOME..."

Boss to his friend: Kya zamana aaya hai. My secretary resigned yesterday.
Friend: Why?
Boss: She caught me with my wife in cofee shop

One Smart Guy Invented
His Wife Added a feature in it called
'Last Seen At'
Thank god she didnt add
'last seen with'!!

Wife: Dear, this computer is not working as per my command.
Husband: Exactly darling! its a computer, not a Husband..!!

Definition Of Happy Couple
HE Does What SHE Wants…
SHE Does What SHE Wants.

What's Marriage?
Answer : MARRIAGE Is The 7th Sense Of Humans
That Destroys All The Six Senses
And Makes The Person NON Sense..!

Punch Of D Day ....
Once A Man Asked God: "Why All Girls Are So Cute & Sweet, And All Wifes Are Always Angry
God Answered: Girls Are Made By Me ... And you make them Wife...!!!
Your Problem.. !!!

All Men are Brave,
Horror Movies don't Scare them....
But 5 Missed Calls from Wife ..surely does...

Chess is the only game in the world,
which reflects the status of the husband.
the poor king can take only one step at a time ...
While the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.

I argued... She argued...
I shouted... She shouted
and then she cried
Result: she won by duckworth lewis method

Law of equality
The time taken by a wife when she says I'll get ready in 5 min is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call u in 5 min!

'Laughing At Your Own Mistakes, Can Lengthen Your Life."
"Laughing At ur Wife's Mistakes,Can Shorten ur Life."
- Shakespeare's wife

Husband & wife went to Jerusalem and the Wife died there.
Priest: "Sending her body home would cost you $10000.... but... burial here at this holy city would cost just $100".
Man: "I'll take the body home!!!"
Priest: "Why the costly option? You must really love your wife a lot"
Man: "Nothing like that Father.. Just that Jesus was buried here and came alive on the 3rd day...

Aurat ke dil mein sirf uske lover ya pati ke liye jagah hoti hai...
Aadmi ka dil itna bada hota hai ki, us mein...

Dost ki girlfriend.
Biwi ki friends.
Apni saali.
Bhai ki saali.
Saamne waali.
Baaju waali.
Oopar waali.
Neeche waali.
Behan ki nanad.
Kids ki madams.
Thodi Bahut biwi ke liye bhi jagah hoti hai....
Sach mein Aadmi ka dil bahut bada hota hai... Meri toh aankhe bhar aayi...

Baith kar mehbuba ki Baho me Aisa JosH Aaya..
Baith kar mehbuba ki Baho me Aisa JosH Aaya...
Phir kya.! Biwi Ne Dekh Liya aur ICU Me Hosh

Loving couple before Marriage: 'Janu.. tum nahi to main nahi, main nahi to tum nahi.'
The same couple after Marriage: 'Maa kasam'...Aaj tu nahi, ya main nahi...

2 Wives chatting in office :
Wife 1: I had a fine evening, how was Urs???
Wife 2 : It was a disaster. My husband came home, ate his dinner in 3 mins & fell asleep in 2 mins. How was yours?
Wife 1 : Oh mine was amazing ! My husband came home and took me out for a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house. It was like a fairy tale !
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work..
Husband 1: How was your evening?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate & fell asleep. What about you ?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner, they cut the electricity because I forgot to pay the bill; so I took her out for dinner which was so expensive that didn't have money left for a cab or auto.We walked home which took an hour & when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house !!!!!!

Vishwanathan Anand (world chess champion) and his wife were hving dinner at a restaurant.
The dinner table had a checkered tablecloth on it.
It took Anand two hours to pass the salt to his wife.

"If you want to be Happy with your husband,
Love him Less & Understand him more !
If you want to be Happy with your wife,
Love her More & NEVER try to Understand her !"

Wife - Where R U ?
Husband - I'm At the "Bank"
Wife - Wow...that's good !! I need 20,000, for a new Cell Phone, 5,000 for a new dress, 6000 for new shoes, 4000 for a new purse, 8000 for my new cosmetics !!
Husband - Sorry , I mean,
I am at the Blood bank...

When your wife says...
''Correct me if I am wrong''
Just Smile & Agree.
Dont start correcting
It's a trap...

Intelligent Husband Wife was busy in packing her clothes.
Husband - Where are you going ?
Wife - I'm moving to my mother.
Husband also starts packing his clothes.
Wife - Now where are you going ?
Husband - I'm also moving to my mother.
Wife - And what about the kids ?
Husband - Well I guess ... If you are moving to your mother and I'm moving to my mother ... They should move to their mother.
Clothes unpacked.

Wife: Jaanu kaise ho?
Husband opened his Diary
Wife: Jaanu kya kar rahe ho?
Husband: Dekh raha hoon pichli baar tumhare Jaanu bolne par kitna kharch hua tha

Husband came home drunk. To avoid wife's scolding, he took a laptop & started working.
Wife: did u drink ?
Husband : no
Wife:Idiot then y u r typing on suitcase

Wife : I hate that beggar.
Husband : Why ?
Wife : Rascal, yesterday I gave him food today he gave me a book How to Cook !!!

Always keep your spouse's picture as mobile screen saver.
Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say:
"if I can handle this, I can handle anything!"… Superb Attitude for Life!!

Million Dollar Truth:
If Saturday and Sunday Don't Excite You, then change your Friends.
If Monday doesn't motivate you, then change your profession.
If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then you should change your spouse!!

A Philosopher HUSBAND said:- "Every WIFE is a 'Mistress' of her Husband
"Miss" for first year & "Stress" for rest of the life…"!!!!

If wife wants husband's attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
If husband wants wife's attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy.

Put your husband in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & you will be happy to see your dog waiting for you.. but you'll be angry looking at your husband sleeping like he never slept before!!!

Put your wife in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you !

Wives are magicians........
They can change anything into an argument.

It is said that when a woman closes her eyes, she sees the person she love the most and when a man does that.
The slide show begins.

Funny quote on a husband`s T-Shirt: All girls are devils,
but my wife is the queen of them.

Wife : "why are u home so early?"
Hubby : "My boss said go to hell!"

A single spelling mistake, that caused a divorce.
A man went to Goa & sent an SMS to his wife
"hey baby having the most wonderfil time of my life, Wish you were her (here)"
Funny Doctor Jokes One Liners
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Husband : (calls up Hotel Manager from room)
Please come fast, I am having an argument with my wife & she says she will jump from your hotel window.
Manager : Sir, I am sorry, but this is your personal Issue.
Husband : abbe saale ! The window is not opening. This is a maintenance issue ..

Wife checks husbands mobile and find all girls numbers saved in the following order
New bird
Neighbour bird
Old bird
Upstair bird
Hospital bird
Insurance bird
College bird
Super market bird
Finally she checks her name. and it was saved as
"Angry bird"

Define Marriage:
It's a way through which two people join together to solve the problems they never had before.

Difference between talent and god's gift:
A man can give lecture for 2 hrs on any subject.
-This is talent.
A woman can give lecture for 2 hrs without any subject.
-This is god's gift.

Tufaani baarish Aadhi raat
Ek aadmi pizza hut se pizza lene gaya
Pizza wala:- aap married ho??
Aadmi:- aise tufaan me kaunsi maa apne bete ko pizza lene bhejegi..

Why Hindu Law doesn't permit second marriage?
Answer:- Indian Constitution article 20(2) says: "No human can be punished twice for the same offence..

Wife: Tum Saari Duniya Mein Bhi Dhoondo To Bhi Mujh Jaisi Doosri Nahi Milegi......
Husband: Tum Kya Samajhti Ho? Main Doosri Bhi Tum Jaisi Hi Dhoondoon ga..! Hadd Ho Gayi..

WIFE: Suno ji, agar tumhare baal isi raftaar se jhadte rahe toh main tumhein talaaq de doongi!!
Pati: Ya Allah, aur main paagal inko bachaane ki koshish kar raha tha.....

Wife: Phone pe itni dheemi awaaz mein kis se baat kar rahe ho?
Husband: Behen hai..!
Wife: To fir itni dheemi aawaz mein kis liye?
Husband: Teri hai is liye..

Wife: Meri sharafat dekho..
Maine tumhe dekhe bagair shaadi karli...

Husband: Aur meri sharafat dekho..
Maine dekh kar bhi inkaar nahi kiya..

Wife: Meri sharafat dekho..
Maine tumhe dekhe bagair shaadi karli...

Husband: Aur meri sharafat dekho..
Maine dekh kar bhi inkaar nahi kiya..

Marriage Fact
A good wife always forgies her husband when she is wrong.

Marriage Fact
They say that when a mand holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
after marriage it is self defense.

Husband: Dear Google,
please stop behaving like my wife
will you please allow me to complete the whole sentence before you start guessing and suggesting.

Marriage Definition
Marriage is when a man and woman become one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one

Marriage fact
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband

Marriage fact
Shortest description of a married man
"Ek Tha Tiger"

Marriage fact
It not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.

Stages fo marriage
Mad for each other...
Made for each other...
Mad at each other....
Mad b'coz of each other.

Husband : Mere relatives ghar aa rahe hain, kuch bana lo...
Wife ne fatafat MUH bana liya

A couple had a fight one night.
Going to bed, Husband says; "Goodnite mother of 3 kids.."
Angry wife replied, "Good night Father of none of them."

What is the favourite fruit of a wife?

Letter from Father to Son
Dear Son,
If you think your Dad, Mom, Teacher, Boss etc... are strict and unnecessarily harassing you...
Wait for your wife...

Friend: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
Wife: "I couldn't lift the table."!
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.

Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

Women live a better, longer & peaceful life…!!
Why? Very simple.
A woman does not have a wife..!!!

Husband asks: Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means "Without Information, Fighting Everytime!"
WIFE replied: No darling, it means "With Idiot For Ever!"

What is a wedding tragedy?
To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.

How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
Buy her a diamond ring.

How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to getting their laundry done free.

In the middle of a dispute the husband said: 'Let's not quarrel, my dear, let's discuss the thing sensibly.'
'No,' said the angry wife, 'every time we discuss something sensibly, I lose!'

Some husbands can really get creative when they describe their wifes. Sanjna from Chennai has sent us these husband wife jokes. These are claimed to be entries to a Washington post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face, when I am dreaming.
That's why I always, wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything that you're not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet,and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "Go to hell."

She: Don't you think a little common sense would prevent many divorces?
He: Why, I'm sure that it would keep people from getting married in the first place!

Have you heard of the man who never worried about his marriage, until he moved from Delhi to Bombay and discovered that he still had the same milkman?

An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage.
A pesimist is a married optimist.

A husband is one who lays down the law for his wife and then accepts all her amendments.

In married life, office plays a very imporant role. It's the place where you relax from your strenuos home life!

Two ladies were discussing what they should wear to the club dance.
"We're supposed to wear something to match our husband's hair. So I'm going to wear black," said Mrs. Johnson.
"Goodness", gasped her companion. "I don't think I'll go. My husband is bald."

Confirmed Bachelors know more about women than married men; that's why they are bachelors.

"I love your daughter very dearly, sir," said the young man. "I would suffer deeply if I ever caused her a moment's unhapppiness."
"You certainly would," replied the father. "That girl is her mother all over - and I should know!"

After a few months of marriage Aparna's husband reported her Missing. Police found her, but she refused to come back.
"We met while playing mixed doubles tennis," she said.
"When we married we planned to have 2 boys and 2 girls, to form our own mixed doubles. Now my husband is bored with tennis and mad about football. There are 11 boys in a soccer team and I'm worried."

Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"

Two friends, who hadn't seen each other in several years, met on the street.
"Who are you working for now?" asked the first.
"Same people," answered the other. "My wife and four children."

A young accountant stayed late at the office day after day. Finally, the boss called him in and asked for an explanation.
"Well, you see sir," he stammered, "my wife works, too -- and if I get home before she does, I have to cook the dinner."

A friend asked a lady: "I suppose you carry a momento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
"Yes, a strand of my husband's hair."
"But your husband's still alive!"
"Yes, but his hair's gone."

First Soldier: "What made U go into the army?"
Second Soldier: "I had no wife and I loved war. What about you?"
First Soldier: "Well, I had a wife and loved peace."

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
after marriage it is self-defense.

It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!

It takes thousand workers to build a castle,
Million soldiers to protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME!
Let's Thank ...... the KAAMWALI!

A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND!

What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!

Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Wife: Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ...??
Husband: I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

If your wife wants to learn to drive,
don't stand in her way.

Some people kiss with both eyes closed. Too bad they marry the same way.

A Spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. -Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -Milton Berle

I bought my wife a new car.
She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her, "Where's the car?"
She replied,. In the lake."
Funny Husband Wife Jokes
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -Henny Youngman

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,
"You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa, a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same: "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life Thinking they had no faults at all.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Funny Husband Wife Jokes

Bibi - Maine GADHO par Research Ki Hai, Woh apni GADHI ke siwa kisi aur GADHI ko Dekhta Tak Nahi.
Pati - Isiliye To Usse GADHA Kehte Hain!

Ek aadmi bar mein baithkar kaagaz par kuchh guna-bhaag kar rahaa thaa aur paaglon kee tarah hans raha thaa. . .
Maine poochha - "bhaai tum itne khush kyon ho ?" .
Us aadmi ne kahaa - "aajkal meri patni dieting par hai aur pichhle 4 dino mein usne 5 kg wajan ghataa liya hai !" .
Maine poochha - "toh isme hansne wali kya baat hai ?" .
Usne kahaa – "Bhaai sahab, abhi-abhi maine calculate kiya ki agle 4 maheeno mein … wah poori tarah se gaayab ho jaayegi !!!"

A man got a call from unknown number..
Girl:"Hi, r u single.??
Man:"Yes, but who r u.?
Ans:"Your wife..Aaj ghar aana tab bataungi.

Another call from unknown number..
Girl:"R u married.. ??
Man:"Yes, but who R u.?
Girl:"Your girlfriend, U cheat..
Man:"Sorry baby, I thought it was my wife..
Ans:"Wife hi hoon kutte, aaj tu bas ghar aaja.

Mechanical Tip of the day!
The quickest way to fix that annoying noise in your car is...
Jusr open the door and tell her to take Ola Cab back home!!!

A man goes down on his knees and proposes to her..
Marry Me... and Make me the Happiest Man in the World
Looking bewildered she replied
You want Both !!!??

While getting married, most of the guys say to girl's parents dat, "Mai aapki beti ko shaadi ke baad bohot khush rakhunga"
Have you ever heard a girl saying something like this to the boy's parents....??????
No..... because women don't lie

There are two types of wives.
First Type: Quiet, Beautiful, Understanding, Not Argumentative, Loving, One who listens to husband
Second Type: Your own wife

Ravana was furious with all the people ganging up to burn him. He shouted at all of them "what harm did I do to any of you? I didn't kidnap your wife "
The angry crowd responded "that's what we are burning you for, you evil guy. "

Husband: I need space...
Wife: Join NASA..

A controversial & debatable ...question
Today if Ravan took your wife away ..... would you still consider him evil ......

Doc to lady: Any history of insanity in the family ?
Lady: Yes... My husband thinks he is the Boss of the house!!!

Wife: I have changed my mind
Husband: Is it working now?

Maximum wives hate their husband's friends...!!!
Maximum husbands love their wife's friends...!!!
.....Men are generally nice.....

Wife is angry as hubby stands too close to a beautiful girl in bus, a few seconds later the girl slaps him for pinching.
Hubby to wife: I swear I didn't .
Wife: I know, I did it..

Height of misunderstanding:
A man married his own secretary thinking that she will still follow his orders as before !!

Technical Difference
What is the difference between welding and wedding
In welding there are sparks first and bonding forever, , whereas in wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever

Difference between "Facebook" and "Whatsapp" conversation :
On "Whatsapp" -
Wife : Kab se wait kar rahi hoon. Ghar kab aa rahe ho, Loafer?
Husband : Abhi kuchh pataa nahi. Dimaag mat chaato. Jab dekho pareshaan karti rehti ho.
On "FaceBook" -
Wife : Dear when will you be back? You are the best husband in the world. Miss you. Come back soon.
(Status liked by 50 of her friends)
Husband : Thanks for being there always. So lucky to have a wonderful wife like you. Will be back soon honey. (Status liked by 75 friends,
including sister-in-law & mother-in-law) Dow din se mera Kya hoga?

Wife: Today, I want to relax, So I have brought three movie tickets.
Husband: why three tickets?
Wife: you and your parents.

Husband & Wife dono market gaye to Ek Ladki ne HELLO kiya..
Wife:"kaun thi wo ??
Husband:"Tum plz dimag kharab mat karo,.. . abhi usko bhi batana hai ki tum kaun ho..!!

WHO'S GUILTY ! Husband and wife are sleeping..
Wife dreaming... and she suddenly shouts "Quick, my husband is back"... Husband gets up in lightning speed & jumps out of the window.

New in the market
Wife : Chalo na aaj Sunday hai. Bahar chalte hai Aur drive mai karungi
Husband Wow! Matlab, jayenge car me aur aaynge Kal k Akhbaar me.

Wife : "Naari" Ka Matlab Kya Hai?
Husband : Naari Ka Matlab Hai Shakti.
Wife : To Phir Purush Ka Matlab Kya Hai?
Husband : 'Sahan Shakti'

Heated gold is called ornaments
Beated copper is called wire
Compressed carbon is called diamond.
Heated,beated and compressed human is called HUSBAND

Husband: Have you heard of King Akbar?
Wife: Yes, what about him?
Husband: He had three wives.
Wife: So??
Husband: That means I can marry two more times?
Wife: Have you heard of Draupadi !!!???
Husband: I was just kidding dear!!!! You take things too seriously!!!!

Wife: Dear..do you remember what saree I was wearing when u came to see me...for the first time.
Husband: No..I don't remember.
Wife: see..u don't love me at all.
Husband: its not like that honey.. A person going to keep his head on the railway track will not be checking whether it is shatabdi express or Rajadhani.

Best one line ad by a married man on OLX: